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Free Barb

Background Noise: A Star Is Born
Last Visited:Barb by Proxy
Random Thought: she does deserve "Free Barb" shirts... maybe i'll visit cafe press tonight....
Mood: hehe... this shouldn't be funny, but oh my how it is....

From the continuing Saga of the Guests From Hell... Barb's responses:

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program... "In a bizarre turn of events this St. Patrick's Day, two women were found dead in an empty pool in River North's Atrium Village Apartment Complex...."

Free Barb: "Opening statements were heard in what is being called the trial of the century here in Cook County. Upstanding citizen and reported Saint (though these allegation have yet to be proven) Barb Peters is on trial for double homicide after reportedly plotting the murder of Autumn Hurst and Betsy Marmol, who were at the time of their death staying with their alledged killer...."

Startling Evidence Sends Court into Recess: "After the gruesome exhibits of the morning, the Judge issued a recess until tomorrow morning, most likely realizing that after such evidence the jury would be unable to eat lunch and be expected to return for an afternoon session. It is unknown at this time if Ms. S will be called to testify for her role in the fake phone call, as ADA Harrison demanded in a post-court press conference...."

Feel the Pain: "In the second day of evidence presented by the defense for Barb Peters, counsel attempted to recreate for the jury the day of Sunday March 12...."

Blame Zeppi: " It was at this time that both victims announce that it must have been the kitten...."

You Can't Take them Anywhere: "***In related news, "Natalie says" has been voted the most annoying phrase of 2006***...."

Check It: "Betsy calls to ask how to fix the TV--she's broken it."

Does he Do Ex-Friends?: "I went home, but Betsy and Autumn went out again. I'm not sure when they got home. It wasn't until I heard all the sirens that I even knew they weren't in the apartment."

Nothing But the Truth: "So, obviously I didn't actually have my locks changed, resulting in the deaths of Autumn and Betsy. I thought about it, just as I thought about kicking them to a hotel, and a lot of other dastardly plans. If I thought it would have helped, I might have. "

We'll be following the story and bringing you updates as they are available.

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Screw the Bubble

Background Noise: Ven v. Pur in WBC Baseball
Last Visited: Barb by Proxy
Random Thought: does my brother's heart lie in Windmill Lane? I thought that was only me...
Mood: what a day

Warning: the following contains acts of public lewdness* that may not be suitable for any potty-trained person. You have been warned.

Now, i know this should go without saying, but when you're a guest in someone's home, don't shit on their kitchen floor.

And i don't mean that figuratively, i mean that literally.

I don't actually understand the level of inebriation that is required for one to think that kitchen linoleum looks like a good toilet, and i hope to never understand that particular level of hell, but even more than that, i don't then understand not then realizing that you did something wrong. Something you should fix. Something you should maybe... clean up, or, not leave.

I don't understand how one can walk to the kitchen - perhaps for a glass of water? - pull down your pants, cop a squat, take a dump, pull up your pants, then walk back to the living room and go back to sleep. Then have the audacity in the morning to claim that your hostess's cats were obviously responsible, and where is your breakfast?

Put another way: how dare you take a shit on my best friend's kitchen floor and then make her clean it up?!?!?!??

I know people who had an "accident" in kindergarten who are still traumatized by the memory. I cannot even begin to comprehend the level of embarassment, shame, or a complete realization that one's life is out of control that should result from such an incredibly rude, lewd, completely unacceptable act.

Oh. My. God.

If the person responsible for the above behavior is reading this - you better apologize. Profusely. Send flowers. Send shoes. Send handbags. Send money. Send professional cleaners. Do you understand what kind of Saint Barb is for not waking you up and tossing your ass(es) on the street? Do you even understand what sort of hell you have created in your friend's beautiful new home? I don't care that you're jealous that she's grown up and moved on from the get-wasted-every-night-so-you-don't-have-to-come-to-terms-with-your-life phase and found a good job and a good apartment and a great life in a city she can afford to live in. I don't care that you're miserable that she isn't at your beck and call every weekend to play cruise director. I don't care that you don't actually know what to do with your life so you're wasting time playing with Daddy's gold card. Apologize before you loose the best shot at a real friend you'll ever have.

And do it now, or you'll find yourself out in the cold faster than you could ever imagine.

ETA:: * yes, i know that lewd isn't the right word in this case, there isn't anything (i hope) sexual in this story. However, i really like the word "lewd" and never get to use it, so i'm taking my chance. Feel free to replace "lewd" with "crass," "disgusting," or "filthy."

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